By Ray Starmann
If President Obama had a diary, the entries from the last few weeks might look something like this…
November 13, 2015: Great interview with George What’s his name? Softball city man; so glad ISIS is contained. That air campaign really has them on the run. I don’t know how though, our planes never actually bomb anyone; can’t risk any environmental damage. I’m not killing the Syrian West Desert Tortoise to destroy ISIS. No way Joe-Zay. ISIS is done. No worries…
Several hours later…
News from Paris is crazy. Brian Williams may even get his job back on this one. This is clearly workplace violence. The reports that this was ISIS just can’t be true. They’re contained. Right?
December 1, 2015: I don’t know what’s going on here. Last night, when Michelle fell asleep watching Pitch Perfect 2, I crept out the door, dodged a couple Secret Service guys who were playing solitaire, and then made my way down to the White House garage, where I have my secret prayer mat in the bottom of a wall locker that belonged to Warren G. Harding. It was gone! I tore the place apart, but couldn’t find it. I wonder if Brody has it?
December 2, 2015: The news from San Bernardino is really annoying me. When will these crazy Christian people stop killing each other? It’s just awful what these so-called Baptists are capable of these days. Is Pat Robertson behind it all? The worst part of the whole thing was that it interrupted a rerun of the Price of Right I was watching. Right in the middle of the Showcase Showdown too! I’ve already told Josh Earnest to tell the world that this was clearly workplace violence. I’ll tell you, Josh is one heck of a good liar. He could teach Hillary a thing or too and she’s freakin’ pathological.
December 5, 2015: I swear if it’s the last thing I do as President of the United States, it will be an executive order to completely ban every gun in this country. The evidence clearly shows that gun control works. Look at my hometown of Chicago. Well, not my real hometown, that’s Nairobi. Chicago is a virtual paradise of crime free streets and neighborhoods. Banning honest, patriotic Americans from exercising their Second Amendment rights clearly saves lives. Of course we have to take the guns before we unleash the DHS on the American people one day. Maybe, I shouldn’t write that one down. Shhhh…Hold on diary, let me find an eraser.
December 6, 2015: Whoo… Just got off the phone with the dragon lady, aka Hillary. Who knew witches really existed. That woman is Lucifer in polyester. She’s trying to get me to pressure Loretta Lynch to lay off her when the inevitable indictment comes down on her like a couple thousand tons of bricks. I mean, I’ve met a lot of crooks in politics, but nothing comes close to the Clinton’s. I really shouldn’t be writing this down, but she probably sent like 500,000 classified emails that weren’t even secured. Or, sometimes, Huma would just delete the classification levels on the top and bottom of each page to protect her. I know Putin’s got copies. I’ve seen the way he looks at her. Dude, she’s all yours. What’s up with that? And, Xi’s got the goods on her too. So, does the guy in North Korea, what’s his name, Chow Fun? IDK, diary, I hate foreign policy.
December 7, 2015: I can’t stand Putin. He always wants to hang out and do masculine type stuff. He wanted to wrestle a Rhino with me last year. Yesterday, he wanted to take slap shots on me from five feet away, with no pads! I showed him my stamp collection instead. He started it on fire. What a jerk.
Speaking of jerks, what’s the deal with this Trump guy? It’s like the more obnoxious the guy is, the more people love him. He can literally say anything and get away with it! Do you think that hair’s real? Looks like Hairline Creations to me. So much for Jeb; he reminds of my grandmother. Just has a grandma look to him.
December 8, 2015: You know, the press somehow thinks that I’m going to be retiring to Rancho Mirage, California, after I leave office. Ha! What do they know? I’m heading home. No, not to Hawaii. Hawaii…what a joke. I can’t believe the American people ever bought into that line of bajaa-hooma. That’s Kenyan for BS, BTW. I’m from Kenya! Get it. LOL. For God’s sake, you can Google my old agent’s client list and see that I’m listed as a native of Kenya. How the DNC sold me to the American people as some kind of Hawaiian dude is pretty crazy. I mean do I look like Magnum PI? LOL. Thank God, I have that Connecticut social security number; got me out of a lot of jams. Gotta go diary. Duty calls. Six or seven iron?
December 9, 2015: Clearly, climate change is the number one threat to the US right now. ISIS, China, Russia, Iran; no not Iran, they’re some really cool guys. I think they like me. No, the threat is rising tides, excess snowfall and droughts. Everyone knows droughts cause terrorism. Okay, these Muslim guys are a bit out of control in Sweden, but they just need jobs. They’re from the religion of peace after all. How bad could they be?
December 10, 2015: I just love Ash Carter. He’s my ace in the hole to completely destroy the US military with this women in combat thing. You don’t think women can be in combat, try and wrestle with Michelle. It’s like fighting Chewbaca on steroids. Uh oh, where’s that eraser? Carter doesn’t know anything about the military. That’s why I love him. The guy should be mixing Tang down at NASA. Instead he’s in the Pentagon. I sure hope the press doesn’t ask too many more questions about the female Ranger School graduates. I mean, come on, like they really made it. LOL. RFLMAO! I mean if the word ever got out that the Army was basically lying to everyone, we might have to go back to the old system of just guys in combat. Who would want that when I can turn the military into my private social engineering project? I’m thinking of telling Carter to let great-grandmothers in the SEALs. Why not? Equal opportunity!
December 12, 2015: Had the same dream again tonight…I don’t remember much, a ladies gardening club meeting; I was there with other soldiers and well, some Chinese guy in a uniform…I like playing cards. I’m trying to get Michelle to play some bridge with me. She’s too busy ruining kids’ school lunches. Can’t believe she took out the fish sticks and Mac and Cheese. I often find myself thinking, “Valerie Jarrett is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.” She is? Got another headache…
Well diary, gotta hit the rack. So much to screw up in the US, so little time…
Queen of diamonds?