Friends Don’t Let Friends Watch the New Magnum, P.I.

By Ray Starmann

These are strange days in the USA…

The Bears are in first place in the NFC North and a pipsqueak posing as Thomas Magnum is trespassing on the grounds of the Robin Masters Estate in Hawaii.

And, it’s not Mac…

If that wasn’t bad enough, a 100 lb. chick in yoga pants is masquerading as Higgins.

Welcome to the dystopian world of the new, 2018 version of Magnum, P.I.

The new Magnum, P.I. is a testament to not only how bad Hollywood is now, but how completely upside down society is.

In 2018 America, aka America 180; right is left, left is right, and Christine Blasey Ford is a shoo in for the next host of The View.

As a hint to where the new Magnum was headed, a CBS producer recently commented that the old Magnum was an all male, buddy show. In 2018, they needed a strong female character.

Why? – to placate some militant feminist and member of the ‘resistance’ running a department at CBS? After all, we need to take Senator Hirono’s advice and just sit in the corner and shut up as the MeToo movement runs over us.

Adios testosterone, Aloha estrogen…

Last night, I sat back in my Archie Bunker chair, with a bowl of Tums, determined to get through the one hour pilot, whatever the cost to my stomach lining and blood pressure and knowing full well that the real Magnum and Higgins were only a few clicks away, ensconced on Blue Ray for eternity.

The pilot began with Magnum conducting a HALO (High Altitude Low Opening) parachute jump from the International Space Station into North Korea, where he rescues a doctor and his family after a chase a la Fast and Furious. The writers could have done humanity a favor by having Magnum’s main and reserve chutes fail, allowing the new Senor Magnum to do a HANO (High Altitude No Opening) jump into TV heaven.

Unfortunately, we’re not so lucky.

Within less than a minute, the new Magnum, played by Jay Hernandez was grating on me. No doubt, Hernandez is a decent enough actor, but he ain’t Magnum folks.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, with his former Virginia WASP pedigree and name, has strangely been transformed into a Latino. The concept of Hernandez sporting the name Magnum is about as asinine as Denzel playing the Red Baron, or Fernando Lamas starring in an off Broadway hit as Winston Churchill; but hey, it’s 2018 and we’re all supposed to swallow diversity, regardless of how stupid it looks and sounds.

And, this show is maxing out on stupid.

The opening credits lasted about five seconds, which is about the average attention span for Generation Snowflake.

The producers immediately let us know who’s really in charge of the show, Higgins. While Magnum and his wartime buddies TC and Rick are swigging down a few cold ones, Higgins, careens into the guest house holding a couple dog collars belonging to the Dobermans, Zeus and Apollo.

Magnum is quickly informed in that globalist, Redcoat, British voice all Americans despise that if he violates one of her rules and regulations, he will be wearing a dog collar. Soyboy Magnum and his soy sidekicks nod meekly. After all, this is 2018 and men are now second class citizens in the feminist gulag archipelago.

The plot progresses at light speed, barely propped up by special effects and car chases. Magnum’s buddy Nuzzo, also a former Navy SEAL is kidnapped and tortured. The trail leads Magnum to a couple ex Marines who are involved in smuggling gold from Iraq.

While snooping on an office computer, Higgins, is confronted by the two ex gyrenes. She easily dispatches both men with a series of karate kicks and Kung Fu moves that would no doubt leave Grasshopper and Caine scratching their heads.

Strangely, the same men who 100 pound yogini Higgins managed to beat up, ambush former SEAL, Magnum and pound him into coconut pulp.

Like I said, this is 2018 America and we’re living on fantasy island.

The show possesses the standard weird quirkiness that all TV shows have now. Somehow, American society has transformed itself from speaking normally, into talking in little muffled sound bursts, where one character meekly attempts to passively aggressively out do the others.

I find it downright nauseating.

The dialogue is campy, clipped and crappy. When Magnum asks if he can use another of Mr. Masters’ Ferraris (apparently, there are endless Ferraris on the estate) he is told by Higgins to take Uber.

The show already is lacking in character development, especially with Higgins. She has all the presence of a Venice Beach helicopter parent, who apparently worked for MI-6, where she learned how to beat up Marines and to break into US National IMINT program satellites.

Yeah…

There is also a very noticeable lack of props belonging to Higgins and Magnum. They seem to reside in a sanitized estate that looks more like the Ritz Carlton Diamond Head, then someone’s house. There are no personal mementos, no rubber chickens, guerilla masks, matchstick Bridge on the River Kwai’s, toy cannons, regimental crests, there is nothing, which is what this show is – nothing…

All the goofy car chases and stupid stunts can’t hold a show together in the long run. You have to have good writing, good acting and believable characters.

Watching it will make any fan of the old show want to turn on the Magnum of yesteryear.

Watching it reminds me that the world is living in a cultural dark age.

To paraphrase George C. Scott in Patton, “God, how I hate the 21st Century…”