The Abomination Called the Magnum P.I. Reboot

By Ray Starmann

“Oh my God Magnum!”

Another reboot is coming to CBS this fall and my first reaction was Sergeant Major Jonathan Quayle Higgins’ famous expletive, “Oh, my God Magnum!”

CBS is attempting to resurrect one of the greatest character driven TV shows of all time, Magnum P.I., and thrust it into the dystopian, PC-driven, diversity obsessed world called 2018 America.

CBS’ first look trailer is like a constantly re-buffering Kafakesque nightmare that seeks to remind us that one; Hollywood has no one left who can write, Hollywood has no one left with any original ideas and Hollywood is run by left wing PC obsessed fools.

In the pilot episode, directed by Justin Lin of Fast and Furious fame, Magnum, played by Latino actor Jay Hernandez, is a highly decorated Navy SEAL who leaves the service and begins a career as a private investigator, while living on the Robin Masters estate. Sound familiar? That’s where the familiarity rapidly ends. In the first episode, Magnum’s SEAL buddy, Nuzzo, is murdered and Magnum is determined to find the killers.

In 1980, having a character as an ex-Navy SEAL was unique and frankly, cool. In 2018, every action figure on the screen is now an ex Navy SEAL, an active duty SEAL, or a SEAL wannabe. Apparently, there are no other US special operations units except the SEALs.

Delta who?

Jay Hernandez looks and sounds like a Latino-American. Which is fine if the show were called Lopez P.I. and the setting was Los Angeles. Instead of butchering a character, the CBS producers could have had the ingenuity to create a new series. But, that would have taken imagination.

The last time I checked, Thomas Sullivan Magnum isn’t exactly a name you’d associate with the Latino-American community. Thomas Sullivan Magnum is a name you’d associate with the Chesapeake Bay area, which is where Magnum grew up.

But, it’s 2018, and we have to all practice diversity, even if it means destroying our society and its entertainment mediums.

Perhaps they should have gone all the way and made Magnum a transgender Latino.

Worst of all, and something that is not only inexcusable, and what Don Corleone would call an infamita, Magnum is now sans moustache. Yes, that’s right, Magnum no longer has a moustache, but sports a half-assed Fu Man Chu that looks like it came right off the face of a 14 year old.

The new Magnum P.I. maintains the characters T.C. (Stephen Hill) and Rick, (Zachary Knighton) who are also veterans, like Magnum, of our current wars in the Middle East. According to Magnum, ‘Rick is a guy who can get things done.’ Especially, when Rick can get Magnum free valet parking for his Ferrari with Corinthian leather.

Where the show really goes off the rails, if it wasn’t already a total Ferrari wreck (actually 2 in the pilot), is in the casting of Perdita Weeks as Juliet Higgins. Yes, that’s right, Higgins is no longer a former British Army Sergeant-Major; a veteran of W.W. Deuce, the Suez Campaign, the Brush Wars and the Troubles, a man who knew everyone from the Queen to Rommel. Higgins is no longer a man, but a 95 lb., yoga pants wearing dominatrix who formerly worked for British Intelligence.

We’ve gone from toasting the Regiment and building a matchstick Bridge on the River Kwai, to a character who looks like a vegan chick shopping at Whole Foods with a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her Prius.

Diversity!

As with all modern TV shows and movies, Juliet Higgins, a size 2, is capable of dispatching half a dozen armed Spetsnaz commandos and MS-13 gang bangers, three times her weight and height with a mere karate chop.

In 2018, Magnum is not only hounded by the hounds, but hen-pecked 24/7 by a character with essentially none of the character and none of Jonathan Quayle Higgins’ backstory.

The new Magnum P.I. is missing a moustache, Hawaiian shirts, Tigers caps, military unit crest caps, a mobster named Icepick, a ruthless Marine Corps colonel named Decker and most sadly, the portly and always donuts bribable, Navy intel officer extraordinaire, Mac.

But, that’s only part of the reason the new Magnum P.I is a bloody shambles. The real reason the new Magnum P.I. is lousy is that the show completely lacks any realism that the old show emanated. Tom Selleck, looked and acted the part. You believed he was actually a Vietnam vet, who had served in Navy Intelligence and the SEALs, before the SEALs became a household product, tantamount with Jello and Ajax. Selleck’s character was human and that’s why we kept tuning in every week.

Hernandez looks like a Gap model who borrowed his dad’s Ferrari for the night.

Most importantly, Magnum P.I. was the first show that portrayed Vietnam vets as just normal guys who fought an unpopular war with incredible bravery. The camaraderie Magnum, Rick and T.C. experienced in the military transcended time. From the beginning, Vietnam vets flocked to the TV show, for no other reason than they could see a mirror of themselves, something they had never seen before from weirdo Hollywood.

Magnum, the Vietnam vet, represented youth in his appearance, demeanor and views of society and governmental institutions. This was juxtaposed with Higgins’ Greatest Generation formality and absolute trust in government and hierarchies.

Yet, the two, had a bond, the eternal bond all combat veterans share. What bond does  Magnum have with Venice Beach Yogini Higgins?

The new Magnum P.I. is littered with car chases, ridiculous stunts, gun fights and obscenely cheesy lines that makes the pilot look like an hour long Fast and Furious Oahu trailer.

The Magnum P.I. reboot comes on the heels of the successful Hawaii 5-0 remake. But, Magnum is different. Hawaii 5-0 was a plot driven show more than anything. Magnum was a show where the plots were designed around the main character.

Time will tell if Generation Buttercup embraces the show. Millennials weren’t even crying in their first safe space, when the original Magnum pilot aired in 1980. But, the show offers a few things they’re used to: terrible acting and writing, politically correct characters and a plot line that is designed for a generation with the attention span of toddlers.

As for Tom Selleck, he’s washed his hands of this cluster. He wished the producers and cast well, but wanted nothing to do with it.

For good reason…

10 comments on “The Abomination Called the Magnum P.I. Reboot
      • Thank God for trailers! In this case, it’s merciful fair warning. What’s rife among the PC crowd is that women are equal in all ways, an idea that’s going get them killed in combat and anyone who happens to be with them. Fact: A man that’s the same weight as a woman is usually twice as strong. So, the current Higgins going up against a man of equal weight and skills, means that she at least gets her a** kicked. Great modeling for younger women. It seems that the the female PCers hate being women and really want to be men. Good luck finding real male role models in Hollyweird.

  1. I cannot wait to NOT watch this garbage. I haven’t watched any network TV for 6 or 8 years now, and “I feel good about myself”.

  2. Liked TS in almost every other show/venue, but PI was one of the worst – zero-plot stories. UR dead on about this revival, maybe new hero should also be muslim, illegal, trans, peolosi-party for maximum effect.

  3. I deep-sixed commercial television 14-years ago and after watching a minute—all I could handle without puking—of this 4-minute trailer I see that I haven’t missed anything. As a Nam Era Marine veteran I don’t think any of my brothers would find this bit of Holly-tripe anything but laughable. Today’s Soy Boys will likely find the guns and explosives intimidating but they’ll watch it anyway, so they can whine to each other, about the violence. The Femi-Nazis will become orgasmic watching the Tiny-in-Tights lording it over the boys, especially when the writers have run out of ideas and reveal Tootsie as being a trans-sexual, former Sgt. Major, from San Francisco, who has an ongoing lustful relationship with a failed female U.S. Presidential candidate—and that the glue that binds the four boys so tightly together is a homosexual relationship that has lasted since early childhood. Once they’re out of the closet this all new Magnum P.I. will probably run to the top of the charts with diversity crowd.

    Oooooo RAH!

  4. YOUTUBE GIVES US GREAT CLIPS AND FULL FREE MOVIES…..the enemy below,,,,,,,,,santa fe trail,,,,,,,they died with their boots on in clips,,,,,and all of the films of errol flynn, bogie, gable, cary grant, 007 tributes and mash ups,,,,THERE IS SOME FIRST CLASS EDITING OF TRIBUTE CLIPS AND REMIXES,,,,,,,and it cost nothing….the last season of magnum was moving ,,,,does TRUMP remind anyone of JR EWING ON STEROIDS….IS TRUMP THE EMPEROR COMMODUS ,,,,from the gladiator?? AND YOU MUST REVISIT THE MOVIE NETWORK FROM THE 70’S….youtube the NED BEATTY NETWORK SPEECH,,,,right on nailed it in the mid 70’s.

  5. YOU CAN BUY THE COMPLETE DVD SET OF 12 O’ CLOCK HIGH,,,,,THE TV SERIES,,,,all three seasons with robert lansing and paul burke on EBAY…..i wouldn’t pay more than 65 bux total……i bought it 10 years ago….great stuff from the early 60’s ……great morality lessons in each program, cast with beautiful people and great acting…..

    • I have to check out the old TV show. The movie is a classic. I have all the episodes of Combat! on DVD.

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