By Ray Starmann
Tonight’s debate was more like watching an old episode of Firing Line, rather than the last few debates, which were something out of the Jerry Springer Show.
Trump, Cruz, Rubio and Father John Kasich climbed out of the La Brea Tar Pits and decided to discuss issues; not hand size, height and the motley assortment of nonsense that had been parroted at past debates.
Cruz – Cruz was competent as usual, blasting American corporations for bringing in illegals, low skilled workers and profiting off of cheap labor to the detriment of the American worker. Cruz blasted Trump for not having any foreign policy experience and for giving money to Democrats in New York. What would a debate be without Ted Cruz reiterating that he’s going to carpet bomb ISIS to the gates of Hades? Cruz also stated that on Day One in office, he was going to s-can Common Core and put a wrecking ball to the Department of Education. As presidential as Cruz can appear, he has lost the South, his primary bastion of evangelical voters. What else can he win except for a few sparsely populated ghost towns in the interior West?
Rubio – Rubio hit the stage hyper as usual. He was standing at the podium cannonballing Don Francisco coffee grounds and Red Bull. Rubio is desperate to get the Floridian senile, shuffleboard crowd’s vote. Rubio spoke of changing the Social Security system to delay retirement to perhaps 68, which means Rubio would start receiving Social Security benefits in 56 years. He mentioned his immigrant parents for the 10,000th time, and detailed how they arrived in Miami, floating on a red and white and blue life raft from Cuba. Rubio criticized Trump’s comments about Muslims and stated that peace with the Palestinians is unlikely. He kept his verbal smoke wagons holstered tonight and it probably helped him in the long run. Although, the polls in Florida show that Trump is going to feed him to the alligators on March 15th.
Trump – Grumpy Cat looked presidential and looked the best when discussing lousy US trade deals, building the Wall and bringing jobs back to America. When Trump says he’s going to bring back American jobs, he sounds not only competent, but believable. Trump also stated that he was going to end the practice of the US providing practically free defense for half the countries in the world. Part of the Trump Magic is his ability to clarify how Americans are getting ripped off by bad deals formulated by idiotic government bureaucrats. When asked about his comment concerning Muslims hating us, Trump didn’t skip a beat. “They hate us and it’s a big problem,” he said, much to the chagrin of Jake Tapper who was expecting some kind of politically correct back pedalling. Trump doesn’t back pedal. He charges to the sound of bugles. He practically told Tapper that we need to “Kill ‘em all and let Allah sort ‘em out.” Trump went on to criticize the Iran Deal again, and told Tapper that bad dudes at his rallies need to be dealt with. Tapper was horrified again and looked like he needed a dose of PC backstage.
Kasich – To Kasich the world extends from Cleveland, “The Mistake on the Lake” in the North to the pristine Ohio River in the South. He always appears to be campaigning for President of Ohio and tonight was no different. He rambled on about local control of Common Core, and continued with a let’s bring the world together theme. When asked about Cuba, he started going off about Syria and the Ukraine. He is convinced that if he wins Ohio, he will somehow magically jump to the head of the class. When asked about a brokered convention he lit up like a Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Kasich signed off by singing, “I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony…”
Once again everyone agreed that ISIS needs to be blown off the planet and that the VA is a debacle wrapped inside a cluster, inside a bureaucratic nightmare.
Finally, we learned that Dr. Cool will be endorsing Trump tomorrow, just as soon as he wakes up from his current state of self-induced hypnosis.
On the count of three, you will awaken Dr. Carson.