By Ray Starmann
Well, about 80% of the votes have been tallied and thankfully, no weighted coin tosses have taken place, to Hillary’s chagrin.
First, the winners…
Trump – Trump seems to have struck a chord in the Live Free or Die state. He has thoroughly crushed the opposition, drowning the rest of the GOP clowns in a wake of destruction on Lake Winnipesaukee. This time Dana Bash’s big mouth on CNN was silenced and therefore, Ted Cruz had to fight this battle with Ben Carson in the race. But, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except Trump’s 19 percent winning margin. The liberal, hipster crowd is already shell shocked from Trump’s shock and awe. The current headline of The Huffington Post reads, WTF, Racist, Sexist, Xenophobic, Demagogue Wins NH. The liberals are already in a frenzy after the Trumpster’s victory and are looking for a fight. In a battle between Taliban bearded pinkos in Capris and New Hampshire lumberjacks, I’m putting my money on the lumberjacks.
Sanders – Comrade Sanders came roaring on the stage so excited you would have thought the Czar handed him the keys to the Kremlin. In fact, Dr. Zhivago Sanders literally carpet bombed Madam Secretary in today’s primary. Current vote counts put him 21% ahead of the waddling Ma Barker Clinton. Bernie is fired up, and has an army of young Millennials rallying to his cause of Free Stuff for everyone! The question remains if he can continue the momentum into South Carolina, Nevada and Super Tuesday.
The rest of the crowd…
Hillary – Madam Secretary ended the night dressed in a white turtleneck and a black sweater, making her look like a maniacal, screaming, defrocked priest running for office. Her shills were still at mirror-breaking decibels. She stole some of Sanders’ lines by promising Wall Street reforms. Okay…I guess that means she won’t be cashing those Goldman Sachs checks anymore. Her new campaign motto is “The Eve of Destruction.”
Kasich – The snowball throwing Governor of Ohio has garnered a second place showing, in a clear result of literally busting his keyster for months in New Hampshire. While Kasich visited about ten thousand diners, churches and Elks’ Clubs to win second place, Trump only hit the ground during the last week. Kasich has some steam into South Carolina, but he may be derailed once he crosses the Mason-Dixon Line.
Cruz – Count Chocula is probably going to steal third place away from Jeb. Cruz will do well in South Carolina, with the evangelicals. He’s going to have to face the wrath of Trump in the Palmetto State and this time Cruz won’t have CNN and bogus rumors on his side.
Bush – Jeb is the worst candidate that money can buy. His campaign spent 36 million to give him what is going to turn out to be a fourth place finish. Jeb was on TV earlier speaking as if he had just won the Monaco Grand Prix in a shopping cart. Jeb is the GOP Establishment’s first choice in an election with Hillary. As if the nation needs a Clinton/Bush matchup. Jeb is invigorated. Jeb is on a fire. Jeb is going to kick some butt! Wait…we’re talking about Jeb. Next…
Rubio – The Man from Menudo imploded in the last 72 hours after his pummeling from the Garden State Goomba, Chris Christie. Rubio was the guy who was going to save the day for the GOP Establishment. Rubio was the guy who was going to oust the circus performer in the orange Daniel Boone hairdo with the four billion dollar bank account. Rubio was the guy who self-destructed at his podium with the speed of a Mission Impossible cassette tape. Rubio is the guy whose campaign is in big trouble.
Christie – Even after overseeing the Marco Rubio destruction derby on Saturday, Christie still couldn’t get more than fifth place tonight. It is a signal that the Gov needs to return to his office in the basement of the Bada Bing to get back to business as usual; running snow plow and bridge operations in Jersey and hugging Barack Obama.
Fiorina – Fiorina has always impressed me. But, for some reason, she hasn’t impressed the voters. Maybe it’s her lack of humor. Maybe she reminds too many people of the female boss they hated. Maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s time for her to turn out the lights.
Carson – Dr. Cool’s campaign has drifted away faster than the marijuana smoke billowing from one of his Bob Marley joints. Okay, I have no proof the good doctor puffs the magic dragon, but how else could anyone be so cool all the time? Needless to say, Doc Carson has only two percent of the vote tonight,a signal that it’s time for his campaign to call an ambulance.
Gilmore, Santorum – LOL