By Ray Starmann
What’s a Saturday night without a Republican clown show? The six, count ‘em, six presidential contenders minus Jim Gilmore and Rick Santorum (LOL) were all dressed alike in dark blue suits from the Joseph Bank by one suit, get 500 free sale; complete with blue dress shirts, red ties, and US flag pins you get at the Bob’s Big Boy cash register next to the toothpicks.
Trump – El Trumpo came out swinging like Al Capone brandishing a Louisville Slugger at a Cosa Nostra all you can eat buffet dinner. He napalmed Bush 43, blaming W for letting 9-11 happen, and then taking the country to war based on lies; a war we never won and a country that Iran now controls. Jeb came back at the Donald, swatting at him with his squash racquet. Trump opened fire point blank with a double salvo of birdshot right into Jebediah’s face. Watching Jeb try and take on Trump is like watching Daffy Duck get blown away by Elmer Fudd. Trump then turned on Cruz, calling him the single biggest liar in the campaign.
Now, wait a minute. What about Hillary, Mr. Trump?
Kasich – Kasich was preaching so much peace, harmony and love that he could have been the tambourine man in Peter, Paul, Mary and Kasich. I swear he was wearing mascara. He made some great points about Republicans beating up each other and that the GOP had a good chance to win over blue collar Democrats. He started rambling about Medicaid again while the moderator turned off his microphone.
Rubio – The Miami Beach Junior High School presidential candidate was relatively quiet, hunkered down, as if he was fearing Chris Christie driving on stage in a snow plow and running him over. Rubio battled Cruz over immigration and accused Cruz of not even knowing how to speak Spanish. Imagine that. Rubio talked tough on immigration, something that was hard for him to defend considering his role in the Rubio/Schumer immigration bill.
Bush – Jeb was pumped up again. He must be drinking V-8’s with a Whey Protein boost in the club grill room. He stormed on stage, looking like a myopic Dick Cavett in distress. Strangely, he had the same tie on that he wore at last week’s debate. Perhaps Mummy Bush can lend him a clip on for the next one. Jeb tried to talk tough, which is like Woody Allen joining the Marines. He said he was channeling his Inner Chris Christie, which caused Rubio to wet himself. Jeb is channeling Chris Christie? He looked more like he was channeling Thurston Howell III. Jeb’s best line of the night to Trump; Reagan didn’t tear down people; Reagan tore down the Berlin Wall.
Carson – Dr. Cannabis rambled on about a variety of topics. He looked like the guy on the train station platform who mumbles to himself in the rain. He said he had a really cool tax plan, wants to cut government, that we’re on the verge of an economic collapse and that pot should being legalized in every state….(Disclaimer – once again I have no proof Dr. Carson smokes pot, but how can anyone be that cool?) CBS cut to a commercial as he started singing Don’t Worry, Be Happy.
Cruz – Count Chocula Cruz praised Trump as an amazing entertainer. Trump thanked him by calling him a nasty liar, who sank Carson’s campaign in Iowa. Cruz rattled on about his flat tax idea, the greatness of Judge Scalia, and defended his immigration policies, while swearing at Rubio in his high school Canadian Spanish. Cruz seemed to walk through most of the fireworks fired around him without being burnt or scarred.
All the candidates praised the late Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia and rightfully stated that we needed a conservative replacement for him.
All the candidates said that we needed to hammer ISIS and our rules of engagement are a joke.
All the candidates praised Ronald Reagan, over and over and over again.
Yada, yada, yada…
Is it over yet?