GOP Debate Number 526

By Ray Starmann

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The Republican debate lingered on for three, count ‘em three whole hours. By the top of the second hour, I was channel surfing. An old episode of Barnaby Jones seemed more stimulating than Kasich discussing Medicaid issues in Cleveland. By the bottom of the second hour, I was nodding off and dreaming that I was in a genie bottle with Mary Katherine Ham.

All they needed was for Fiorina and Gilmore (yes, he’s still in the race) to show up and you could have had a Hollywood Squares lineup with Trump as center square.

The main gist of the debate is what we already know: Obama is destroying the country, our military and our reputation worldwide; while transforming the greatest nation on earth into a two bit, Third World country begging for UNESCO aid.

Here’s a summary of the candidates and their performances tonight.

Kasich – He was his usual spastic self, flailing his arms, and looking like a cross between a Mexican jumping bean and a frog in a blender. Kasich reiterated what a great job he’s done as Governor of Ohio, blasted Obama as a king who makes laws by executive order and promised a malted milk toast solution to immigration.

Bush – Jeb came out swinging with his nine iron, storming out of the club locker room, like he had just watched six hours of old Firing Line episodes in preparation for the debate. He battled the Trumpster on eminent domain, said we needed more millionaires, and wished Ronald Reagan a Happy 105th Birthday.

Happy Birthday Gipper…

Rubio – The Establishment’s new favorite son was on the run tonight. Rubio was body slammed by Chris Christie in the opening round and left smoldering at his podium for minutes, like a steaming platter of fajitas. The Senator, who looks like a 15 year old running for student body president, did everything to bounce back, except sing Yankee Doodle Dandy. Rubio was most effective in stating that Obama has a plan to destroy America, which the others denied incorrectly.

Trump – Trump was classically, competently, confidently Trump tonight and fared well. He told Jeb and his supporters to shut up, explained how the US is losing to everyone worldwide, while explaining that we need to bankrupt ISIS and water-board terrorists with a NYFD fire hose. He ended the night by hammering Cruz about stealing votes from Ben Carson.

Cruz – Count Chocula was his usual hard line self on national security. He once again stated that he would carpet bomb ISIS to the gates of H-E-double hockey sticks. He appeared cool and apologized to Carson for his campaign’s dirty tricks in Iowa. Carson accepted the apology as a week late and a Canadian Dollar short.

Christie – The Garden State governor pummeled Rubio. Christie looked like an enforcer for Tony Soprano shaking down someone who can’t pay the Vig on a loan. Christie was mean and gruff and frankly acted like he had heartburn from a bad sausage and peppers sandwich.

Carson – As usual, Dr. Chill was chilled, like a frosted glass of Dos Equis on ice. He looked like he had done a couple bowls of Acapulco Gold back stage in his green room, while Cruz begged him for forgiveness. Carson was excellent speaking about health care. He was most effective in stating that Hillary betrayed the nation on Benghazi and that we need honest people in government.

Everyone agreed the heroin problem in New Hampshire is out of control, women will do great in the combat arms and special operations (even though none of them actually served themselves) and most importantly, that the country simply cannot survive with a Third Obama Term, aka a Sanders or Clinton presidency.

The US economy can’t survive with a Sanders or Clinton presidency. The national security can’t survive. Our allies can’t survive. The free world can’t survive.