By Ray Starmann
Inside the minds of the world’s leaders; friendly, enemy and neutral…
Putin – What this guy’s problem? He reminds me of an old cleaning lady waiting for a bus in Leningrad. All he needs is a scarf over his head. I’ve tried to get through to Obamsky, but he’s as cold as a Siberian lake; seems like nothing can break the ice with him. I’ve tried snow mobile racing, Rugby and walking on hot coals to try and bond with him, but nothing works. We did lift weights for a few minutes. He conked out after lifting a couple five pound barbells, while watching MSNBC. Most distressingly, his foreign policy is a nothing short of outright cowardice. Heck, he didn’t even want to watch Ice Road Truckers with me.
Merkel – I know a secret about Barry. Let’s just say he gets a tingle up his leg when he reads Tales of the Arabian Nights. He’s completely behind my plan to take a wrecking ball to the Fatherland by allowing 50 million Muslims into Germany. He has a similar plan in store for America. Barry first met me in 1980, at a trade fair in East Berlin, where he was a Kenyan exchange student with Humboldt University.
Hollande – I like Monsieur Jughead, but it is a strange day indeed when the French have to tell the Americans to get tough. Personally, I think Michelle wears les pants in that family. She is a Francophile indeed. I presented her with a gift of 10 hours of the Best of Oprah in French. Now, she can cry with Oprah in Francais. How exciting!
The Iranian Mullahs – In the Webster’s Dictionary under sucker, it says to see Barack Obama. Haha. We love the Iranian Nuke Deal! It gives us everything; time to make several nuclear weapons to blow Israel off the planet, a horde of cash to finance terrorism across the world and new respect from other thug nations like China and Russia. What do the Americans get from the deal? Nothing! Haha. Hey, Obama, we have a thousand lame camels we want to sell you. Where is that fool John Kerry? Haha…
Netanyahu – Does the word schmuck ring a bell? The dangerous thing about Obama is that the man is so arrogant and convinced of his own universal knowledge that he refuses to listen to opinions, other than those that emanate from the other idiots in the Oval Office. We learned a lesson 70 years ago, Mr. President, it’s called Never Again. If you think Israel is going to stand by and watch Iran load up on nuclear weapons, you are sorely mistaken. I’m initiating the launch codes now…
Enrique Pena Nieto of Mexico – Hey, Senor Obama, Mexico is going to give you a big present this year, amigo. It’s another ten million people to steal American blue collar jobs and suppress wages. How’s that for a gift from your friendly neighbor south of the border? Trump calls them illegals and criminals. We call them citizens of the North American Union obtaining legal work status. El Jebo calls it an act of love. Jeb is how you say… stupido?
Kim Jong Un – Of course my country is the most repressive, most horrific place to live on earth. I get it. I like Obama. He’s in tight with Jimmy Fallon, who’s invited me to slow jam on his show in a duet with Brian Williams. I want to meet that Trump guy and get some hair tips.
Fidel Castro – Okay, I’m practically dead, but I still know what’s going on. Obama’s move to restore diplomacy with Cuba does nothing for us. Who does he think he is, Michael Corleone? I ain’t no band leader. Yeah, I heard that story. Gotta go. Hyman Roth is calling me.
President Assad of Syria – Should I stay or should I go? I don’t know. The Russians tell me they’ve got my back. Obama tells me I’m on my way out. Pardon me, while I die laughing. Obama couldn’t push a door open, much less push me out of my country. I don’t care if his middle name is Hussein. He’s an idiot.
President Xi of China – President Obama sends one American ship through the South China Sea as some kind of show of force. Obama might have well as sent the Love Boat. We have hundreds of ships moving through the South China Sea every hour of every day. I just hope we don’t collide with the Americans. Everyone knows how bad Asian drivers are. It’s no stereotype, let me tell you.
Justin Trudeau of Au Canada – Hey, there…Gotta love Obama. Hey…He and I are practically chai tea soulmates. He loves everything I do; big government, lousy government health care programs and of course, complete gun control. Barry’s coming over tonight to smoke some new weed I have called Manitoba Majesty and watch Portlandia. Cool.
Some interesting thoughts indeed…