By Ray Starmann
Sanders – If you think Obama is left wing, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait until Comrade Bernie Sanders is elected. I will rally the proletariat to destroy the military-industrial complex, ransack the banks and restore a people’s pure revolution to this nation. It will take time; the progression of communism is long and arduous. If the populace has to live in complete misery for the next 500 years, so be it, the march of the revolution will move forward. To the gates, comrades!
Webb – President Webb here. How much more of this Candybutt in Chief can anyone stand? This country needs Jimmy Webb to take Kim Jong Un by his Sha Na Na hairdo and give him some old fashioned Marine Corps wall to wall counseling inside the Oval Office. What the hell am I doing in the DNC? I don’t shop at Whole Foods. I don’t do yoga and I don’t wear Birkenstocks! Help me Obi Won Priebus. Take me back!
Hillary – Barry doesn’t like me. Let’s just say the trouble started at the last Winter Solstice Party in the White House when I had a little too much egg nog and I gave Michelle the look, if you know what I’m talking about. Huma does. Bill definitely knows what I’m talking about. Why do you think there was Monica and a couple thousand other floozies? Obama also knows that I sent about 500,000 classified emails through that unsecure server the hipsters put in the Colorado john. I hope those guys can keep their mouths shut, otherwise I’m going to Vince Foster them into oblivion. I am winning this election because I deserve it!
O’Malley – I met President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office for the first time. He thought I was the cable guy! No, sir, I told him, I’m the Governor of Maryland and a Presidential candidate. He asked me, for President of what? Nice guy, he showed me a bottle of fake tears he got from a buddy of his in Hollywood. He said it worked great for yesterday’s gun press conference. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could ban all guns? We’d be so much safer!
Trump – Obama you’re fired! God, I wish that loser was on my show. I wouldn’t put him on Celebrity Apprentice. I wouldn’t put him on the regular Apprentice. I’d put him on Bum Apprentice. The guy couldn’t even last for five minutes on Let’s Make a Deal. Old Monty Hall would have s-canned him in the aisle and sent him backstage. He’s sold us out to the Iranians, the Russians, the Mexicans and he’s letting ISIS run rampant around the globe. Pretty good work for a guy from Kenya if you ask me. BTW, Barry O, why do you have a Connecticut social security number if you born in Hawaii? Speaking of foreigners in the White House, how about my good buddy Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada?
Jeb – I’ve already had a chat with the President. When my campaign finally implodes and my mummy and pappy turn off the Bush money fountain, I’ll have a job! President Obama, who sees eye to eye with me on many issues, has spoken to some friends of his in the TV world. I’ve been cast as Norman Bates dressed as his mother in a Bates Motel spin off. I am psyched!
Cruz – Count Chocula here. Thank God President Jughead is out the door in a year. When I’m elected I will bring in my friends, Frankenberry and Booberry to cabinet positions. President Cruz will dynamite the Iran Deal the first ten seconds I’m in office. I will incinerate Obama’s gun control executive orders. I will launch a massive Dresden style 10,000 plane air raid on ISIS in my first hour in office.
Rubio – Hey, Rubio here. I’m pumped. Just drained another case of Red Bull, mainlined some Hostess Cupcakes and finished watching Obama speak about gun control. The guy enrages me so much, I feel like the Tasmanian Devil. I just want to spin into the White House at 2,000 mph and become the President. So what if I look like I’m captain of the high school debate team. I’m a US Senator.
Christie – I shouldn’t really be saying this, since I am a Republican and a capo de capo in the Zamboni crime family, but I like Obama. Maybe it was all that hugging after Hurricane Sandy. Maybe it’s the fact that he liked my mother’s Cannoli’s. So what, the guy’s a flaming liberal, a disaster foreign policy wise and hasn’t done one thing to help the economy. As far as I’m concerned, he’s an honorary citizen of New Jersey, Exit 22.
Carson – Dr. Feelgood here. I know I have pretty much no chance of being elected, and look totally stoned most of the time, but what the heck. I get a lot of free food, alcohol and female groupies. Plus, it gives me time to air some of my skeletons to the public. Did I tell you the time when I stabbed a kid in 3rd Grade with a Ticonderoga Number Two pencil? Went right into his chest cavity; I performed my first tracheotomy. Oh, wait, I was supposed to talk about Obama. Gotta go. Got the munchies.