By Ray Starmann
Dear Mr. Diary,
I’m walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland today.
If there’s any more proof that Global Warming really exists take a look at this record snowfall, 70 mph winds and plummeting temperatures. Al Gore was spot on years ago! He’s a talented weatherman and I hear he also invented the Internet.
The last time I saw so much snow was when I was a young boy in my homeland, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Not sure who came up with the Hawaii thing for me, but I don’t know a Hula hoop from a pineapple. Although, I still have a book Debbie Wasserman-Schultz bought me in 2008, called How to Fake You’re From Hawaii.
Book ‘em Danno!
I just got back from sledding on Capitol Hill with Malia and Sasha. Joe Biden joined us too. Hey, I found my lost secret prayer mat! One of the cooks in the White House kitchen was using it as a replacement for his Costco kitchen Café au Lait floor mat. It makes a great sled; although, Joe and I wiped out pretty badly. We were riding it together when we flew over a mogul and ended ass over teacup in a snow drift. It took six Secret Service agents and Paul Ryan to dig us out. Joe and I spent a little too long inside the drift spooning.
No need to tell Michelle about that. Uh-oh, where’s that eraser?
Well, Mr. Diary, I have a lot of other plans on this snow day. Gonna catch up on the first season of the old show, Room 222, which is available on Netflix now. I love the dude with the huge red fro. I might get sucked into watching a Lifetime movie with Michelle. Nothing better than a good chick flick; I just hope Michelle bought the Kleenex with lotion. I have very sensitive nostrils.
Blizzard or no blizzard, I still have to do the work of the people. I’m trying to sneak a martial law bill through Congress right now. Basically, I’ll be able to put the Regular Army and the TSA on the streets of America when the economy finally comes tumbling down like the walls of Jericho.
So glad I put my money into Rosland Capital. William Devane is one cool dude. He showed me all the silver and gold to buy. That cat has a lot of precious metals stored away, let me tell you. He should run for President! William Devane looks like JFK. You know a lot people thought I was going to be like Jack Kennedy. Some people think my presidency was a disappointment. I call it a great success.
Okay, Jack Kennedy was a genuine war hero. Although, my daily obstacles as a community organizer were probably tantamount to getting your PT Boat rammed by a Japanese destroyer, swimming miles through shark infested water and hiding out from enemy patrols until a coast watcher rescued you.
You think the Japs were bad? You never ran into a cockroach in the Robert Taylor Homes at night.
Got more executive actions lined up for the country on guns, Mr. Diary. Who says guns save lives? Look at my hometown, well, not my real hometown, that’s Nairobi. My adopted one; the City of Big Shoulders, the gun control utopia, Chicago, is a virtual success story and clearly shows taking guns away from honest, law abiding, hard-working Americans pays dividends.
The air war against ISIS is humming along. Yesterday, we blew up an ISIS Porta-Potty! That’s some real flying. I’m so proud of our men, women and transgenders in uniform.
People are probably wondering what happened in the Persian Gulf a couple weeks ago when our gallant, gender neutral Navy surrendered to lightly armed Iranians in smaller vessels. The military operates under a new code of conduct with me as commander in chief. It’s called, “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot.” Plus, the Iranians are America’s new friend on the block. Check out the new hashtag, #BFFIran.
Then, there’s the election, Mr. Diary. Honestly, how many more debates can these clowns have? I get it. America gets it. I’ve made a few mistakes that need to be corrected, but overall, I’ve been a great President. There’s a rumor going around DC that I’m going to be the fifth President on Mount Rushmore. I just hope they chisel my good side in.
Hillary is giving me a severe case of IBS. I told her last night that the NY Times Drone Article excuse is not going to fly. The FBI has about 50,000 classified emails she sent after Huma Liquid-Papered the classifications, scanned the docs and emailed them back to the Dragon Lady. Hold on, I have to pop a Tums.
Back again, Mr. Diary. Kind of enjoying Trump and Cruz cat fight it out. Count Chocula vs. Daniel Boone; all bets are off. America is sure a strange country.
I better not piss off Trump. I may need to move into one of his buildings after I leave office. I hope he gives me a good price. You think?
Well, gotta go. I promised Michelle I’d do Bikram Yoga with her tonight.
Until next time America…