By Ray Starmann
What if… President Obama had a diary?
December 31, 2015
It’s been quite a year. My policies, as usual, have been a resounding success. At least that’s what the top-rated, highly intelligent, unbiased geniuses at MSNBC keep telling me. I don’t know what I’d do without Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow every night.
I wonder if Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow really are the same person…Hmm…
Well, how about that economy? It’s stable and growing. Forget about those naysayers and hardheads like Gerald Celente, David Stockman, Paul Craig Roberts and those cynics at King World News. Zero interest rates, 20% real unemployment, out-sourced jobs and a surplus work force are all the hallmarks of an expanding, fast-moving economic system.
How about that Dow Jones this year? So what if people say it’s completely rigged now and has absolutely no bearing on the economy, it’s so much fun to day trade. Don’t tell Michelle, but I lost about 20G’s yesterday on some Walgreen’s call options. Who cares? I’m addicted and it’s only FIAT money anyway. It’s not like US dollars are actually backed by anything, like gold.
Margin call, Mr. President.
Uh oh, where’s that eraser?
What’s a 2015 recap without mentioning those jerks in ISIS. They’re really trying my patience. It’s hard being a closet Muslim now with all the bad press the religion of peace seems to be getting lately. BTW, diary, I still can’t find my secret prayer mat. Last night, when Michelle was binge watching Hugh Grant movies, I purloined her yoga mat and used that to pray. I hope my friends in the Muslim Brotherhood understand.
Anyhoo…back to ISIS. We’ve obviously got them on the run. Operation Inherent Resolve has been changed to Operation McClellan, named after one of my favorite Union generals, who was a real fighter. My instructions to the generals are crystal clear; no enemy casualties at all. If our pilots see ISIS guys in vehicles or on the streets or committing acts of barbarism, they are to call off the mission. We can’t win this war by killing the enemy.
I’m so proud of our military this year. I don’t understand why more and more senior officers keep resigning. It’s almost like they don’t like my forward thinking, gender neutral policies. With the authorization to allow women into the combat arms and special operations, our military will be stronger than ever. My plan it to make the US military into something akin to our beautiful national parks; everyone is welcome. Anyone, regardless of age or physical or mental handicaps should be able to serve in the Navy SEALs or the Army’s Delta Force or the Marines. There will be a day in the not too distant future where seniors in wheelchairs with breathing machines will be on the front lines, serving with the Green Berets.
It’s been a year of more mass shootings, Mr. Diary. No doubt these shootings are all the result of citizens’ rights to bear arms. As a liberal, I can proudly say that no amount of factual information showing how guns save lives can sway my opinion to ban every last one of them. Before I leave office, honest, law-abiding citizens won’t be able to own so much as a squirt gun.
I know Hillary and Bernie think the same as I do on that issue. I really like Bernie. He’s a fellow revolutionary at heart, trained at the KGB’s Charm School like I was. In fact, Bernie was my instructor, who taught me everything there is to know about acting like an American, from idiomatic expressions to the proper way to order at the McDonald’s drive thru. I shouldn’t really be writing this down, but Bernie’s been slipping the KGB and now the FSB information for years. They use a hollowed out sandal at Whole Foods in Fairfax as a dead letter box.
I’ve had it with Trump, Mr. Diary. What’s the deal with his hair anyway? He’d look good with a perm. I’m sick of his obvious abuse of his white privilege too. He needs to check that. He has absolutely no qualifications to be President. I’m just grateful the American people have never elected a President with no experience. I just hope Hillary can pull off a victory. She’s hired an extra crew to keep the body trail covered up.
Well, I had high hopes for the SMU Mustangs football program in 2015. Even with Chad Morris they still looked lousy. People tell me I should root for the University of Hawaii. Why? It’s not like I was born there or something. How Sheriff Joe’s guys figured out my 1961 birth certificate was printed on a 2013 IMac computer is beyond me.
Well, gotta sign off now, Mr. Diary. Gotta watch Kathy Griffin at Times Square.
Happy New Year!